I wake with a start.
My chest is beating fast and my senses are on edge. I’m in fight or flight mode but I have no idea why. It feels like I’ve woken from a nightmare.
I look at my watch. It’s 2am and I have work in the morning. I try the usual trick – flipping to the cold side of the pillow – but it’s not working. I’m wide awake with the adrenaline still flowing.
My memory is quickly losing any grasp on the dream. I try to hold on to any lasting images and they begin to flicker like an old movie.
Flashes of a boy transitioning into a teenager, and then a man. Images of sadness; a sadness created by an unbearable weight. The images – so heavy, so intense. Invisible hands constantly stuffed into pockets and hidden away; a secret to be kept. A burden that I recognise well.
It’s me that I can see.
The images change, and the weight lifts. Grey turns to colour, and my hands are held high and visible for all to see. I’m smiling. I’m so happy, and I love this version of me. However, it doesn’t last long, and the grey and sadness returns. My hands are nowhere to be seen, weighed down by an anchor.
I’m frustrated and I struggle to understand the meaning in all this, and then it comes.
Wouldn’t it be great if… if I felt that happiness, all of the time?
I know that it’s possible. I’ve felt that feeling before, I’ve had a glimpse of what life could be like.
What would it take?
It would take a change – a huge change. A commitment to embrace everything that is me and my uniqueness to transform my life.
…and just like that, from a moment of inspiration I’m all in. It’s happening.
I stay awake and take action – I take my first steps to embrace my uniqueness.
This is my sliding doors moment. If I didn’t act on this moment of inspiration the transformation that followed would never have happened.
I’m inspired every day by the difference that charities like Macmillan Cancer Support make to people impacted by Cancer and by Reach Charity and the positive impact that they have on children living with an upper limb difference.
So why is that?
I was born with a physical hand difference (missing fingers and thumb on my right hand), which is something I’ve struggled with, more psychologically and emotionally than physically, throughout my life.
Due to a few early ‘not-so-great’ life experiences, I always found it difficult to be truly accepted for who I am except for when I’m helping those like me; those living with a difference. This is why the work that Reach Charity does (helping kids and tongue adults with upper limb differences) is something I care deeply about.
Alongside that, after initially joining Macmillan Cancer Support, I regularly witnessed, through lived experiences, the incredible influence it has on people impacted by cancer.
However, it is the impact that Macmillan has had on me personally that I didn’t anticipate. I went from hiding my disability for 27 years, and feeling acutely ashamed about it on a daily basis, to openly discussing it with the new CEO and being a positive support to others in an organisation-wide forum.
When I think about that transformation it blows my mind, and part of it is down to feeling psychologically safe and working in an environment that encourages vulnerability.
It allowed me to bring my whole-self to work, which meant that I became a lot happier than I’d ever been, and it also had a positive impact on my level of work and influence too.
However, at the time of writing this, I was very aware that I still wasn’t quite where I wanted to be, in terms of feeling psychologically safe to be who I am in other parts of my life, so this is when I had my moment of inspiration to get there whilst helping others too.
10 for 100
This was a challenge I set for myself where I spent the next 100 days being true to who I am, warts and all... and for every day that I did, I committed to donating £10 split between both Macmillan and Reach charities.
It meant not hiding my limb difference at all, in any context, and talking about it truthfully and educating others when people asked questions.
That included everything and anything in terms of:
Conferences
Train Journeys
School Runs
Kids’ Birthday Parties(
Football Matches
Skydives
Park Runs
Food Shopping
This was all new for me, and the challenge was very real! There were some people I’d known for 20 years that still didn’t know anything about my hand.
I was incredibly nervous about what would show up and excited about what I’d learn.
My Reflections
It’s hard being vulnerable, and sharing even a small part of you can be difficult. For me, it felt almost impossible to begin with. I just wasn’t brought up that way.
I was a typical kid from the North East of England brought up on a Council Estate. It wasn’t quite the school of hard knocks but it wasn’t far from it. Vulnerability wasn’t in my vocabulary and any signs of weakness were to be pointed at and ridiculed – you couldn’t afford to stand out like that.
That’s part of the reason why I never associated myself as being disabled. I didn’t so much as want to fit in with everyone else, I needed to in order to survive. The negative connotations to disability were synonymous with my dissonance – it was ingrained in me, from the society and culture that I was raised in, that being disabled meant that I was less than, I was weak.
I was not allowed to embrace my uniqueness.
It actually hurts reading that back now and still leaves me with a sense of frustration. I’m glad that I’m now able to reconcile how it came about, which gives me the drive, strength and energy to do better for others who follow in my footsteps.
Looking back at Day 1, I was incredibly nervous writing it but I recognise it now as such a brave thing to do. It would have been so easy to not press the ‘send’ button to upload it to Social Media – but I’m so glad I did. If I didn’t, my moment of inspiration would have been for nothing.
To you reading this now, if any of this message resonates with you, if you feel different within yourself in some way, I want you to know that I see you and I’m with you every step of the way.
I’m on this journey with you – class me as your unofficial cheer leader and mentor.
This journey may not be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is… and trust me, this is worth doing.
Embracing your uniqueness will absolutely change your life forever.
The first thing I did was to take time to really understand what made me tick and what would keep me motivated and accountable.
That’s the same advice I’m giving to you. What is it that will keep you on track when the going gets tough? What’s your why? Who are you doing this for and what benefit is it going to have on your life and theirs?
The first moment I wrote down all my thoughts about the ‘what, why and how’ I was going to transform my life, the usual negative thoughts crept into my head.
‘This will never work’
‘You’re going to look an idiot’
‘You aren’t good enough’
I hated these thoughts – and it was only until later that I recognised them for what they are, just thoughts. They aren’t me, they’re just my mind’s way of trying to protect me.
These types of thoughts can be debilitating, and for a very long time – over twenty years – they often have been. This was always going to be a long process to untangle and that’s why I created the #10for100 challenge in the way that I did.
I know myself well enough that for me to complete a personal project I needed to keep myself accountable and have a powerful intrinsic motivator.
About Tony & This Blog
Hi - I’m Tony. I’m an MSc researcher and executive coach specialising in Workplace Unmasking and Biological Safety. I’m most known for helping high-performing professionals and teams eliminate The Inauthenticity Tax™ - the hidden biological threat response that drains up to 30% of an employee’s cognitive capacity.
Two Fingers Up is an unapologetic behind the scenes look into my lived experience with an Upper Limb Difference - something I hid for 27 years. This is your permission slip to drop the mask, embrace your unique identity and be comfortable in your own skin.
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